No More Sad Songs
by CaliforniaDreamer
Summary: Literati. Every turn makes a downward spiral, every song is a haunting tune. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I just need to move faster. COMPLETE
1. Ruthless

Disclaimer: Seriously, what's the point? If owned it, my way would be aired, not posted on a website. So what's the point? Oh, and all the lyrics in this chapter are from Ruthless, by Something Corporate.

AN: Ok, so I was listening to the Pernice Brothers album, Yours, Mine, Ours, and I really wanted to do a ficlet with the song Waiting for the Universe. I ended up elaborating on it, and this was born. It's just me, having a little fun with some of my favorite songs, trying to write something different from my norm. It'll be four chapters, I'll post a chapter a day. Oh, and the title has nothing to do with the Clay Aiken song of the same name. Oh, and each chapter title is the title of the song that inspired it. We start off at the end of season three, first chapter is Jess centered. That's all you need to know.

Dedication: The .ORG Literati thread. Just the whole thread in general...and Claire, Michelle, Ashley, Sarah, because we're just waiting for them to be happy...lol. Also, **Ari **and **Lia** for beta-ing and being brutally honest with me, lol.

No More Sad Songs

Chapter 1—Ruthless

_But there you go for the last time_

_I finally know now__ what I should have known then___

_That I could still be ruthless,_

_If you let me.___

__

_But there you go and I'm not done.___

_You're waving goodbye__,_

_But at least your having fun.___

_The rising tide will not let you forget me._

I screwed up. I didn't need her to tell me that, but she did. Maybe not so much in words, but the way she looked at me as she stepped off the bus. Right then, I thought I was going to break. I didn't though, of course I didn't. I'm a jerk. A first rate jerk who lives to screw up, one that people are waiting for to screw up, one they encourage to screw up, just so they can say they were right.

Well, they were. They all told Rory that I would hurt her, that I would just bring pain and destruction, and that I would be her mistake. I didn't want to live up to their expectations. When do I ever try to meet anybody's expectations? I promised her they would be wrong, that she wouldn't regret me. I don't know where I got off, promising something like that. They weren't wrong.

I think I hate myself.

That statement, had I said it any other time before this, would be completely meaningless. I've heard it my entire life. It was Liz's mantra after every guy. But now, I really do. I'm disgusted with myself. I know I did this completely wrong. I should have...I should have told her I flunked out, that I was leaving. Everything. But, I didn't, and you know why? Because I'm a jerk, because she's better off without me.

I just...I know she's going to think I left because of her. It wasn't her. If anything, she was why I stayed as long as I did. She should have been a reason to stay indefinitely, I know. I don't know why she wasn't. I don't know why I'm leaving, really. Just got that feeling, I guess.

I don't want to be like this, like my father. Leaving when things are too much to handle. But I am. Huh. Not much I can do now.

I stare down at the book in my hands. I've been staring intently at this page for at least fifteen minutes, but I can't read. None of the words sink in. Everything gets pushed out by the thought of her gazing at me. Probably the last time I'll feel her eyes burning through me. It was almost a challenge. It was like she wanted me to stop her, run after her, do anything but sit there. I couldn't do anything but look away. I don't want her to change this decision. I know she will, even if she doesn't know what's going on, even if she doesn't say anything. 

I finally give up and put the book away, fixing my gaze out the window. It's so green. It's almost making me sick. I don't see how something can be so...pure. Just one thing, exactly as it appears. That's how it is with Rory. She's exactly how she appears. Me, I've been this screwed up mess for as long as I can remember. Personally, I'm not really sure what I am; it seems everyone made up my mind for me. I know people think that they know me: I'm the hoodlum, I'm the...whatever Rory sees...saw...in me.

I'm going to have to start talking in past tense about her. Yep, I see this 'screwed up' thing just keeps on giving. 

Plus, I hate green. It reminds me of when I came back from New York, how she blended in perfectly, with the grass and trees and all. And then she kissed me, and I kissed back. If I hadn't kissed her back...I wouldn't have to cause her all this pain now. But I had to kiss back. Had to embrace the challenge. Huh. Payback sucks. 

I hope that she can forget that any of this ever happened; I hope that as soon as she stepped off this bus, she won't think of me, ever. Maybe she'll glance back later on, and think of me as 'that guy I dated in high school.'

I know it won't happen. I know I'm not going to be able to let her forget me. As much as I'm trying to convince myself, I'm not done here. I won't let her forget me. I won't let myself stay away from her. Jess Mariano never backs away from a challenge. I guess that explains why I'm digging in my bag for a piece of paper. I don't know why I bother trying to write. I don't have anything to say. Not anything that I could put down on a freaking piece of paper, trusting the postal service to get to her. And even if I could, somehow, write it down on paper, I know it won't get sent. 

Nevertheless, I'm trying. For the first time in life, I'm trying. Better late then never...right. Clichés never did fit me.

__

_Dear Rory._ Yeah. Great start. I'm writing like she's just some random person on a thank you note list. 

_Rory._ Or not. I really shouldn't be having trouble with this part. Maybe I should just move on. 

_Jimmy came. He's my dad, if you use the term loosely. I never met him until a couple of days ago. He came, drank some coffee, bolted again. I flunked. Luke kicked me out. Didn't have anywhere to go, so I'm following Jimmy. It seems completely idiotic now, seeing it written out. I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I just...I couldn't stay there. That town...it was getting to me, you know it was. You knew I couldn't stay there much longer._

_I don't mean to be casting this on you. It wasn't you. Our fight, like everything else, it just came at a bad time. I wasn't mad at you. Don't blame yourself for any of this; it was all me._

_I know everyone will tell you I came with temporary stamped all over me. They were right. Well, I guess you know that. I'm gone, aren't I?_

I can't write this. It's all true, but...I really don't want to relive this. I owe her _something_. Then again, she shouldn't have to read all this, I should have talked to her, talked to her in person. 

I probably won't call, and even if I do I won't be able to talk. It's been what, half an hour, and I already want to hear her, see her, kiss her. 

I really want to kiss her. I haven't kissed her since that party, and that one tasted of lies, and regret. 

I never thought I'd care about her this much. I have to do something. 

The bus stops again; it's time for me to switch buses. I glance at my watch, realizing it's a good hour before the next one gets here. I look at the crumpled letter in my hands. 

I know what I want to say. It isn't enough, but it'll have to do. 

I wander around towards a gift shop near the bus station. I feel utterly ridiculous, searching for envelopes and stamps among all the corny postcards and magnets. It really shouldn't take five minutes to find a plain white envelope, but it did. 

As I sit down on this bench, I notice my hands are trembling. What the hell? It's two words. Two words to a girl. 

I actually cared about this one. 

No, care...maybe I don't always need to use past tense. 

I actually hold my breath while I write. I'm such an idiot. Add that to the list, right next to 'Jerk' and 'Screw Up'. 

_I'm sorry._

I addressed, sealed, and actually sent the letter. I know it doesn't make a difference, but that's really all I needed to say. 

_This is the last true burning letter_

_Given to a girl_

_Written by a boy_

_Living in a world created to destroy._

_But if I built you a city, _

_Would you let me?_

_Would you tear it down?_


	2. Too Late

Disclaimer: Seriously, what's the point? If owned it, my way would be aired, not posted on a website. So what's the point? Lyrics are from Too Late by Fisher  
  
AN: Thanks to those of you who reviewed! I've got the whole thing written, and I'll be trying to post it whenever I can. This one is in Rory's POV, after she sees Jess in A Family Matter, and she's going back home because she didn't want to deal with it.  
  
Dedication: The .ORG Literati thread. Just the whole thread in general...and Claire, Michelle, Ashley, Sarah, because we're just waiting for them to be happy...lol. Also, Lia and Ari for beta-ing and being brutally honest, lol.  
  
No More Sad Songs  
  
Chapter 2—Too Late  
  
_But it's too late, __  
To think of what I've left behind__  
Dreams that have faded from view.   
I've burned all my bridges with you.   
And I can't walk on water.  
  
_No. No, he cannot be back. I refuse to believe that he's back.  
  
But he is. He's right in front of me; it's not so easy to pretend anymore. How am I supposed to act like everything is fine, that I'm not affected by it anymore, that I'm over him? It's hard enough normally, but with him here, I'm not so certain that I won't lose myself again. I don't want to run back to him; I don't want to constantly watch where I'm going so that I don't run into him. I don't want to hear him apologize. There is no way to apologize for this; there is no apology I can accept.  
  
But, I'm afraid I will, if he tries.  
  
I don't even know why he's here. I can't think that he came back across the country just to apologize to me. In fact, I bet he wasn't even thinking of me. My mind floats to his car, the one he was sleeping in. Wasn't it missing the last time I saw him? Hadn't we talked about it, how it was missing and how it probably wouldn't be found? Maybe they found it, so he had to come back and pick it up. Then, why is he still here? He's got a car; why can't he leave? Maybe, he hasn't left because he wants to talk to me. No. I'm sure there is another reason.  
  
I'm not enough of a reason to stay.  
  
I really need to stop beating myself up about this. So what if he didn't want to stay? So what if he didn't want to be with me? He doesn't matter; I can find better. I deserve better.  
  
Right.  
  
I've been telling myself that for almost a year now, and I have yet to believe it. I want to forget him, but every time I try, something happens, and it triggers back all these emotions that I don't want to feel. I'm tired of feeling like this; I'm tired of being like this. I never wanted to be that girl, that girl that lets herself get so hung up on a boy that even when he hurts her beyond forgiving, she still wants to take him back. I don't want to be that girl! But, I am. I am, and I hate myself for it. I hate him for it. I hate that even though I can say I hate him, I don't mean it. I want to mean it, but I can't. What does it mean when you aren't able to hate someone that you're trying to hate?  
  
Maybe it means that I love him. But, I don't. Love him, I mean. Unless I'm trying not to, but I do anyway. This is so confusing. When did I become such an emotional mess? I'm supposed to be the rational one; I'm supposed to have it all under control. I go to Yale! Why can't I figure this out?  
  
I don't want to figure this out; I don't want deal with this. Ironic, isn't it? That I'm the one running now? Well, there is no way in hell I'm letting him run away from me this time. Let him feel a little pain. He tries to talk to me; I just keep walking. Good plan. The best plan. Unless I decide to listen to him instead. No! I have willpower! I can do this!  
  
I'm not going to take him back. Not even if he...grovels! Now there's an interesting image, Jess groveling. I bet he's cute when he grovels...no! Bad thoughts! I cannot think that way about him! What's done is done; I'm over him. I do not think Jess is cute!  
  
Yeah. I'll just keep repeating that to myself, see how long it takes for me to believe it. I don't really need to believe it, just as long as he believes that I believe it.  
  
There we go with getting confused again.  
  
It doesn't matter how much I do or do not want him back. I can't have him. He left; that's it. I washed my hands of him. I spent the last eight months convincing myself I was over him; I'm not going to backtrack.  
  
Besides, it can only end in hurt. Look what happened last time. And now, with all that behind us, it's just bound to build up until it all explodes in our faces. I can't go back there. I won't let him hurt me again.  
  
I'm so lost in my thoughts, I don't even notice my surroundings until I finally reach my house. For some reason, I run straight to my bedroom, straight towards my desk. I open the top drawer and dig through it, until I finally see what has been haunting me for the last 8 months. That letter. It's not even a letter. Two words. "I'm sorry." Well, it wasn't enough, and anything he says now won't be either.  
  
I finally do what I should have done the minute I laid eyes on it. I ripped it, ripped it into a thousand pieces. It's nothing now. His words were meaningless. Anything he says to me now will be meaningless.  
  
I can do this now. I think. I just know that I can't _not _do this.  
  
He's not coming back into my life. He could say anything now, and he still couldn't come back.  
  
Unless he says the things I don't expect him to say. He won't though. He's Jess; he doesn't say things like that.  
  
He doesn't love me. I don't love him. That's that. This is the end of Rory and Jess. No, we ended a long time ago. Just because I held on to that stupid note, just because he wrote that stupid note, does not mean that I was holding on to hope.  
  
We're hopeless. So I'll just save us some pain.  
  
_Time can mean nothing but pain in disguise.   
I'll never see you again. _


	3. Vindicated

Disclaimer: Seriously, what's the point? If owned it, my way would be aired, not posted on a website. So what's the point? All the lyrics are from Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional  
  
AN: This takes place as Jess is driving to Yale in LWF TWT. Oh, and Michelle...see, I used Vindicated! And I wrote this before you asked me to! Okay, I think I'm done now...Also, thanks for the reviews!  
  
Dedication: The .ORG Literati thread. Just the whole thread in general...and Claire, Michelle, Ashley, Sarah, because we're just waiting for them to be happy...lol. Also, Lia and Ari for beta-ing this and being brutally honest, lol.  
  
No More Sad Songs  
  
Chapter 3— Vindicated  
  
_I am vindicated   
I am selfish, I am wrong.   
I am right, I swear I'm right,   
I swear I knew it all along  
  
And I am flawed,   
But I am cleaning up so well.   
I am seeing in me now the things   
You swore you saw yourself  
_  
I am not an idiot for doing this. I am not an idiot for doing this.  
  
Right.  
  
It doesn't matter; I'm doing it anyway, doing what I should have done last year. If I had just talked to her, maybe, she'd still be mine. But she isn't, and I have to fix that.  
  
I know I'm completely kidding myself. I know I have no chance in hell with her, but I would hate myself if I just gave up. After tonight, I'll probably end up hating myself anyway.  
  
I don't even know what I'm going to say; I just know that I need to say it. What was in that book again? Did it have a chapter on groveling to your ex- girlfriend after leaving her three times in a two-year period? Because if it did, I would really like to re-read that right about now.  
  
What does she want me to say; that I've changed? I have, but why should she believe me? That I fixed everything? I didn't. I didn't finish high school. I didn't build a time machine so I could go back and stop myself before I did too much damage. She probably won't want me to say anything. She probably won't hear me out.  
  
I don't blame her.  
  
I know I'm not enough for her, but I'm trying. If she gives me a chance, I'm not leaving. I know I have no right to promise that, not after what I did. I should have stayed before; this shouldn't be an issue. But, I came back. I always come back. If I didn't, we could both be over this. But no, I now choose to be persistent.  
  
I want her so bad. I've wanted her...well, since I decided she'd probably be the only one in that town worth talking to. That whole town is full of jerks. At least she tried.  
  
I know I'm being selfish. She doesn't need me; she probably has tons of rich Yale guys lining up for her. I want her. I want to take her away from all that, bring her something she was never meant to be given. She wasn't meant to be with me. She had this whole life plan, and then I came and screwed it all up. I need her. I'm supposed to be with her.  
  
This is wrong; this is every kind of wrong. She wasn't supposed to be with the bad boy from New York. She was supposed to be with Dean, or someone like him. She was supposed to be a foreign correspondent, get married, and have a sickeningly sweet family. Then I came in, wanting her, challenging it. I should have just left her alone. Settled for girls like...what's her name, before Rory. Shane. I should have settled for a girl like her.  
  
But, I wanted Rory. And disappointingly, I think I let myself get to where I_ need _Rory. She just...she was right. And I was wrong. So, what, we cancel each other out? What does that mean? Right, wrong?  
  
It's right. It's got to be. I'm here, aren't I? I keep coming back; I keep seeking her out. It's got to mean something. I'm supposed to be with her. I know I am.  
  
I'm supposed to be with Rory.  
  
We're supposed to be together. Me. Rory. Together. We're supposed to be together.  
  
I was so mesmerized by that last thought that I had to slam on my brakes as I came to the intersection, so I wouldn't get hit. I can't get into an accident. Not now. However, it did cause me to finally look around. Yale was about a street away. Huh. 22.8 miles really isn't that far.  
  
As I park, I glance down at the post-it note next to me. Durfee Hall, suite 5. I recite it over and over in my head. At least it helps block out doubt. I still stop before I open the door. It looks so...big. And rich. How can she go to school here, live here? Then again, she fits in. She fits in most anywhere. Except New York. I smile, almost smirk, at the memory. "Do they allow hot dogs on the subway?"  
  
I miss her so bad.  
  
When I finally stop playing wimp, I get out of my car hesitantly. Then, I start running. I might as well get this over with. I want to catch her. What if she's not here? It seems so deserted. But then again, she wasn't in Stars Hollow. If she's not there, I'm sure Luke wouldn't mind me staying another day. No. I'm doing this now.  
  
I find the building and fling open the doors, hero style. Ha. And she is there, all right. I see her meet my gaze, and I stand there, staring like I'm trying to read her. She holds her gaze for half a second, before pulling her head down. Like she's avoiding me, like she's ashamed of me. It's not the first time. She used to do that in the diner all the time, before we were dating. She'd look away if I saw her, or if someone else saw her. If Dean were nearby.  
  
Dean. I hadn't noticed him standing there before. They weren't together, were they? Hadn't Dean said something about a wife? It doesn't matter; he doesn't matter.  
  
Rory's yelling at me now, wondering why I'm here. Suddenly, that seems like a good question.  
  
I know how this is going to end now. I don't care. I came to do this; I'm going to do this.  
  
"I need to talk to you."  
  
_So let me slip away.   
So let me slip away.   
So let me slip against the current,   
So let me slip away. _


	4. Wating for the Universe

Disclaimer: Seriously, what's the point? If owned it, my way would be aired, not posted on a website. So what's the point? Oh, and all the lyrics in this chapter are from Waiting for the Universe by the Pernice Brothers  
  
AN: Ok, this is set in the future, one year from now. Liz and T.J. have decided to move to Stars Hollow, Luke calls in Jess for back up sanity. Also, this is the last chapter. Set in Rory's POV. Um, I just want to mention that this chapter is a bit different style wise...I had a lot of internal reflection on the actual show in those. I had to put a lot more dialogue in this one. I'm not quite sure what I think of it... Also, thanks to everyone who's reviewed this. You guys encourage me to keep writing. :)  
  
Dedication: The .ORG Literati thread. Just the whole thread in general...and Claire, Michelle, Ashley, Sarah, because we're just waiting for them to be happy...lol. Also, Ari and Lia for beta-ing this and being brutally honest with me, lol.  
  
No More Sad Songs  
  
Chapter 4—Waiting for the Universe  
  
_Pine away for the Romeo  
Trying to smash your heart   
Into a thousand summers.  
  
Did it have to be   
As typical as a tragedy?   
Yours, mine, and our   
Lives to compromise._  
  
This was supposed to be a normal day. I had just finished my exams; I'm finally home for the summer. I was just supposed to go to Luke's and meet my mom for lunch. Then, I'd go help out at the Dragonfly. Nothing out of the ordinary in that.  
  
When I woke up, nothing seemed different. On the walk to Luke's, everything seemed just as it had been the day before. You would think there would be some kind of clue to these things, like a cigarette stub by the bus stop, or the troubadour's choice of song. And where was that gossip ring when you needed it?  
  
But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I walked into the diner, completely oblivious. That, let me tell you, was not fun at all. Unless a mild heart attack is your idea of fun.  
  
He always seems to do this. He just pops up out of the blue, as soon as I think I'm rid of him. I don't know why he always does this! I told him no, didn't I? I said I didn't want to be with him. Was I not convincing enough?  
  
Somehow, I doubt I was. I'm not quite sure if I meant it, but I wanted to mean it. Why does he have to make this so hard? He comes back into town, and suddenly I doubt decisions that I was sure of a year ago.  
  
So here I am, standing like an idiot in the middle of the diner, staring at him with my mouth partially open. He doesn't even notice me. He's just standing behind the cash register, reading. Exactly as he did everyday when he still lived here.  
  
He reads so intensely, never noticing his surroundings. I begin to slowly come out of my state of shock and fade into a studying mode. I notice his eyes focusing on the page, squinting slightly every once in awhile, as if he was concentrating harder. His expression remained the same, save for that occasional movement of his eyes.  
  
After a while (well, a few seconds, but it seemed much longer), he glances up, like he can feel me staring. I look away before our eyes can meet. It's too dangerous to hold eye contact with him.  
  
I'm over him. I am. My head understands this concept; it's my heart that's fighting it. Stupid heart, you're the one who made me love him in the first place. Won't you let me be happy for once?  
  
But, for some reason, I'm afraid that if he meets my eyes, he'll somehow know that I have doubts. He'll be able to change those doubts into certainties. Certainties that are in the opposite direction my head is telling me to go.  
  
So no eye contact is best. Actually, I should probably just avoid looking at him at all. Just to be safe.  
  
I make my way over to my mom's table, where luckily, I can face the window, instead of having to constantly dodge him. She gives me a tentative smile. I know she saw me when I came in. I'm sure everyone did.  
  
I decide to avoid the subject. It's too awkward, especially with him standing right there. So we settle into small talk. Well, more like, my mom talked, and I gave a nod of acknowledgement every now and then.  
  
Suddenly, he's standing beside the table. Mom shoots him a death glare. He immediately looks away, mumbling something about Luke being out and Caesar refusing to leave the kitchen. After eyeing him suspiciously, my mom places her order. I just sit there, examining the table, until I feel them both looking at me, expecting something.  
  
"Oh! Um...I guess I'll have...the...um," Oh, great. I can't even manage the name of a breakfast food.  
  
Jess is staring at me now, his eyebrows raised expectantly. He's mocking me! He's inwardly mocking me!  
  
"Blueberry muffin," I manage to squeak out, turning my head as I finish.  
  
"Great." Ugh. I hate him! I can't believe he's mocking me! He left me four times! What right does he have? Granted, I told him to leave last time, but he still has no right!  
  
Now my mom's looking at me strangely.  
  
"What?" I sigh.  
  
"Nothing. It's just that your face suddenly turned bright red. And you've completely destroyed that napkin," she pointed out.  
  
I glance down, noticing the white pile in front of me. Oops.  
  
"Sorry, I'm just...nothing. I'm fine."  
  
"Okay," she says, but I know she's not convinced. I'm a horrible liar.  
  
Jess has come back with our food. This time, I'm actually looking at him. Inadvertently, I let my gaze sneak upward, until he's caught me in his gaze.  
  
This is it. I've done the forbidden. All hope for safety just flew out the window.  
  
Why am I acting like this? He's just Jess, not some life-sucking demon!  
  
I allow myself to keep staring. He sets our plates down, not breaking eye contact. Our eyes remain locked until he settles back behind the counter. Glancing back down again, I notice a napkin sticking underneath my plate. It was nothing out of the ordinary, but it looked like there was something written on it.  
  
I slide it down to my lap so I could read it. For some reason, I didn't want my mom to see it.  
  
Causally glancing down, I saw Jess's familiar scrawl.  
  
We need to talk. I'm breaking in ten minutes. You don't have to come if you don't want to.  
  
He wants to talk? What more is there to say? He's already said I love you. He's asked me to come away with him. What now, is he going to propose? Oh, no. I push that thought out of my head as quick as possible.  
  
Do I want to talk to him? If I do, I may take him back, and I can't do that. But, if I don't go, am I going to spend forever wondering what could have happened? Possibly, and I don't want that either. It's not like I want anything to happen. I just don't want to have any regrets, that's all. But then again, I don't want him to think all is forgiven, because it most definitely is not.  
  
As I'm weighing out the pros and cons in my head, Jess leaves the diner. I hesitate for a moment. I know what I need to do; I just don't know what I want. Well, maybe I do know what I want, I'm just sure if it's worth risking getting hurt again.  
  
I finally cave to the want. I tell my mom I have to go; I'm supposed to meet Lane for some sorely needed "hang out" time. Which is true, I just have a couple of hours before I have to meet her. But my mom just smiles at me, telling me to meet her at the Dragonfly in a few hours.  
  
A few minutes later, I find myself at the bridge. I was sure he would be there, but actually seeing him made me want to turn back. When did I turn into such a wimp? He's just Jess. I harbor absolutely no feelings for him.  
  
Okay, maybe just a little. A teensy-weensy bit. Minuscule, really.  
  
Or a lot. But just friendly feelings, nothing else.  
  
Or something more.  
  
Stop! I am not going to talk myself out of this! I am going to talk to him! I walk towards him slowly.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Hey," he answers, not looking up.  
  
I sit down beside him. We just sit there for a moment, not looking at each other, not saying anything. Two years ago, the silence would have been comfortable, but now it's deafening.  
  
"Jess, why are you here?" I might as well get down to the point, no use in dragging this out. We're both uncomfortable as it is.  
  
"Liz and T.J. decided Stars Hollow was the best place to settle down. I'm just helping them move all their stuff in. Luke wanted me to come. Something about saving his sanity."  
  
"You, save his sanity? You two have met before, right?" Jess chuckled slightly. I smile back. This is too normal. I didn't want this to be so easy, it just makes me miss him. I don't want to miss him! I have to look away, I'm too afraid to keep this up. He looks down again, disappointed.  
  
"So, are you staying? Or is this just a visit type thing?" It's not that I want him to stay. Well, it's not that I don't want him to stay either. It doesn't matter. I mean, it's his life, right? It's not like he's here for me. He has family here; he has every right to be in Stars Hollow.  
  
"I'm not sure. Maybe."  
  
"Maybe you're staying or maybe it's a visit?"  
  
He's staring at me now, trying to read me, trying to figure out what I want. I try to look away, but somehow I can't seem to turn my head.  
  
"I think I need to know something first."  
  
No. Please, no. I feel the bitter taste of regret, anger, and wanting well up in the back of my throat.  
  
"I already..."  
  
"Said no, I heard you the first time." Finally, I can look away. I feel my face flush with shame.  
  
"I just need to know if you meant it."  
  
"Jess..."  
  
"No. I saw you in the diner. You were looking at me. Then you wouldn't look at me. I need to know what you're doing, Rory. I need you to stop playing with me. Did you mean it?"  
  
Now, his eyes are full of intensity, but this time, it's stronger than if he was simply reading a book. He's pleading with me now. I don't think I can take this. I bite my lip nervously.  
  
"I don't think I did." He loses his composure for a second. He looks relieved, surprisingly echoing how I feel. Then the determination comes back to him.  
  
"Then where do we stand, Rory? Are we just going to wait around until one of us breaks down? I'm not going to stay for that. I can't stay if that's what you want me to do."  
  
"I...I don't. I don't want to run away from this anymore. But what else are we supposed to do? You know we can't just be together. You know it's not that simple." My voice is begging with him now. It shouldn't be up to him to find the answer. But mine isn't the one either of us wants to hear.  
  
"Why can't it be? Why can't it be that simple? We agree, don't we? We both want this, Rory. Don't think about it; at least, for now." He's urging me now, and I'm doing exactly what I was afraid of. I think I'm giving in.  
  
Maybe I should have gone with him last year. I know I've thought about it. Things might have worked out. We could have made it work. Maybe I would have been happy.  
  
He's giving me another chance. Suddenly, I don't feel like I deserve it. I pushed him away when he was finally ready for me. I know he hurt me. I know that I had every right not to want to see him again.  
  
Something about him is sincere this time. It's something that he had when he asked me to come away with him, when he said he loved me, and it's something he has now. It's like that boy that wrote in the margins of my books, who looked up the mileage to Yale, and whom I called Dodger, is back.  
  
I think I'm in love with that boy.  
  
I don't want to be. I've tried not to be. I just can't seem to shake it.  
  
I give a small nod of my head before leaning towards him. I brush my lips gently against his and let my head fall onto his shoulder. He wraps his arm protectively around me and strokes my hair.  
  
I think I get it now.  
  
We're supposed to be together.  
  
_If I was the only one,   
If you were the last alive   
Would we sit here like the amateurs   
And watch our days go by   
Waiting for the universe to die._  
  
AN: So, what did you think? Tell me what you liked, what you didn't like...I need to know for future reference! Thanks for reading! 


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